Normal things happening non-stop start to get to a person. Going through the average every day rigmarole can really start to wear on a person’s sanity if you ask me. That might explain the current love affair with reality tv. Every day people having their every day lives shaken up some.

So i changed the dogs food or something. All I know is she hasn’t been feeling so well. Shit everywhere. All that hair just seems to bring the shit into every corner imaginable. Shit on the bed, on the floor, carpets, in my goddamn shoe. I go to put my shoe on and there is poop in it. She wakes me up in the middle of the night, with her tiny sad little paws sayin’ “Come on man, I gotta poop so bad” so I take her out and there is still shit on the floor in the morning.

So at work there seems to always be a child there just fucking with everything. Shit everywhere. Tables, floors, work, fridges, shit everywhere. Turn your head for a minute and more shit. Went to drink my apple juice today, don’t even know what she did to it, but sure didn’t taste like apple juice. Go to put some sugar and that shit is filled with salt.

Kids are like dogs. Cute as shit when it is someone else but when you find yourself stuck with one for 20 odd years just getting rid of the things seem like a good idea sometimes. Not that you ever would. I could never understand people shaking babies or whatever baby haters might do or puppy kickers but sometimes you just wish they would calm the fuck down.

Which brings me to the real heart of this thought. If I were to steal a child I would steal an Asian baby. Let’s face it, no one wants to steal your shitty white baby. You love em and that’s great but then you are stuck with somebody elses little shit factory. Fat little white babies don’t hold a candle to an Asian baby. Not only are the pre-disposed to be a little awesome everything but you end up looking like a humanitarian because people think you have adopted a poor orphan from Asia instead of just stealing it from an unsuspecting shopping cart. I want to run into the rich old adopting white ladies pushing their adopted Asian babies and make up stories about how much my little baby who can’t even walk yet has such a big personality and how much they love going to mommy and me swim time where I wade around with a bunch of awkward middle-aged women and babies in tiny yellow floaties. All those old hens would go “h man isn’t he young and good to be adopting such an adorable baby.

The difference would be that I would grow bored of the stolen baby and sneak it back much faster than I would for my shitty dog. There is one big reason for that: the dog will never have a birthday party. She will never be ten and have a bunch of other peoples little addle brained shit heads running around the house like kittens on crack.

I am already dreading the house full of other people’s shitty turds.


 

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