Dogs will be dogs right? They crap, they bark, sniff each others butts, and they chew things. The problem this week is what she decides to chew. She has some kind of expensive taste.

On top of the fact that she has expensive taste this is a tale of oral hygiene. No one looks cool talking about oral hygiene.

So I go to see my alarmist dentist (you know the kind that says ‘beware the end is near for your teeth, unless you have $800). It’s the kind of dentist office that smells like cheap Asian, ham-filled buns, is located in in the metro,and hasn’t updated the office since ’84. So this dentist tells me that if I keep grinding my teeth at night I’m going to grind them right away. I’ll be that toothless dancing man just shouting about Jesus in front of the liquor store before you know it is pretty much what she’s telling me.

Buy a personalized mouth guard is the only solution she tells me. at $500 this little piece of plastic is a steal she tells me. I should have told the bitch right then that she was crazy, but the vision of me without teeth was horrifying.

I get the thing, I’m even wearing it often. I get to bed though and I’m lisping and drooling like an awkward pre-teen with head gear on.

I won’t go pretending like you guys are stupid and don’t know where this is going, but that little hell-raiser tore the whole thing into tiny pieces. Ripped it to tiny plastic shreds. The problem then became which became more valuable, the dog or the mouth guard (the mouth guard was already gone but I wanted to kill her anyhow. It’s the kind of situation you wish could be fixed like you were a bookie, or Micheal Jackson and you hold the dog over the balcony and tell her to cough it up or she’ll be sorry, see.

All that to say I didn’t skin her and make a scarf out of her. She’s still here, and still cute, and here’s today’s drawing of her: